Navigating Grief: Choosing Between Destruction and Creation
An 8-year-old survived. His 11-year-old brother did not.
Cities were dirty then, and even the capital had no clean water system. Families drank from the same rivers that carried sewage, not knowing it could make them sick.
Both boys got typhoid. One got better. The other didn’t. The older boy was kind and full of life. And then he was gone. The father already had more on his shoulders than most. Now this. The mother had already buried one son. She shut the house down. Covered the mirrors. Waited for a sign he might return.
She didn’t come out of it. In a 21-year period, she would lose three sons and a husband. She turned to silence. To séances. To the past. And who could blame her? When you’ve lost that much, holding on feels like the only thing you can do. She stayed with what was gone. It was all she had left.
But he went another way. He felt the same pain, but he didn’t stop. He kept showing up. He spoke with care and thought with more focus. The grief didn’t leave him, but it changed how he lived, how he paid attention. He focused on what was still here. Over time, people saw how he turned his grief into a purpose that helped save the nation.
His name was Abraham Lincoln.
His story is not mine, but I faced the same choice—surrender to the drift or paddle against the current.
I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. One day, we were making plans. Then it was over. The house got quiet. The days stretched out. Some days, I drifted. Other days, I tried to just keep going. Nowadays, I try to focus on what I can still do.
Like Lincoln, I try to live more fully because of the sorrow. I write because I can still use what I have to give.
At first, grief comes fast and all at once. It breaks you open and its tears form two rivers: one of destruction, one of creation. Mary drifted with the current, letting it take her. Abe chose the harder way. He paddled against the current, slow and steady.
One river is easy. You don’t have to try. The other is hard. You have to choose it—and keep choosing it. The difference is the current, and the current is attention. It moves you either way.
Destruction doesn’t need you to do anything. It lets you drift—into memories, longing, and thoughts that loop.
Creation is different. When you notice what’s still here, it starts to move with you, toward what can be built again.
The River of Destruction says: They’re gone. Nothing can replace them.
The River of Creation says: They were here. They mattered. I’m different because of them, and where I go next starts with that.
There are people still here. Still hurting. Still trying. We each have something left to offer.
Where we put our attention matters. Why? Because where attention goes, action follows.
You decide whether to drift with it or paddle against it.
She drifted down the river that looks back.
He moved with the one that carries you forward.
Both were broken.
Both were changed.
One found a way to turn that change outward.
Robert, the only child left, lost his father at 21. But like Lincoln, he chose the harder path–service to something larger than himself.
That’s the difference.
Abe and his son planted service.
Mary stayed with memory.
Now it’s my turn.
At some point, we all face a choice between two rivers. The one that pulls you along, or the other that asks you to paddle.
The River of Creation takes hard work—the one Lincoln chose.
It asks more, but it gives a life that matters. I choose it.
Chat With AI
- Dig deeper into the story if history interests you. “Tell me the story of Lincoln’s family. What happened next?”
- Ask how others find strength. “How did Lincoln find the strength to deal with the Civil War and his personal loss?”
- Find the signal. The one that helped you through a detour, a breakup, a loss, or a plan that fell apart. “Where is my attention going each day?” Or, what holds my attention now, even on the hard days?”
Your life is not mapped — it is discovered.
These Field Notes from my life can help you navigate your own signals.
Trust your questions. They are how your map is made.
***Enduring. Adapting. Becoming.***