Empathy, Self-Regulation, and Specificity Lead to Win-Win Conversations 

Compromise is a part of emotional intelligence (EQ). It includes self-regulation and empathy. 

Self-regulation is the ability to control your emotions and reactions, especially in conflict situations where compromise can be a win-win. 

Empathy is understanding the other person’s viewpoint. It is the ability to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others. 

Practice Compromising 

You learn to compromise by working on your conversation skills. When people learn to compromise effectively, they are more likely to feel heard, valued, respected, and satisfied. 

Three key components of compromise — empathy, specificity, and a flexible approach — can help move a conversation to a win-win for both parties. 

Empathy is critical for creating successful interpersonal conversations. When you can walk in another’s footsteps, you have learned the art of compassion. 

Specificity is crucial in providing straightforward, constructive suggestions. Ambiguity can lead to misunderstandings and confusion, whereas clear and specific suggestions can steer the conversation toward solutions. 

Ending with a flexible approach is being open to alternative options and willing to adjust your viewpoint. Flexibility fosters creativity, problem-solving, and mutual agreement. 

I learned a valuable flexible approach from a friend. When sending text messages where two parties are finding a mutual date for a visit, he always ends his text with these words: 

“Will that work for you?” 

Five simple words that keep the conversation flowing in a positive direction. 

Let’s have some conversations that show how you can practice the skill of compromise. 

A Low-EQ Conversation That Ends in Confrontation 

Jayden: Hi, Riley, I’ve reviewed the report, and several things need fixing. Do you have a moment? 

Riley: Sure, Jayden. What’s the problem? 

Jayden: Well, to begin with, your methodology section is overly technical. I think you need to simplify it. 

Riley: I disagree. I think the methodology section should be detailed. It’s not my fault if people can’t understand it. 

Jayden: Well, our job is to make sure they understand it. Your section is just confusing. 

Riley: And what about your section, Jayden? The introduction lacks context. It’s weak. 

Jayden: I don’t see it that way. I was trying to be concise. 

Riley: Well, you were too concise. It needs more detail. 

Jayden: I think you’re missing the point, Riley. 

Riley: And I think you’re being overly critical Jayden. 

This conversation quickly turned into a confrontation. Both Jayden and Riley become defensive and resistant to each other’s feedback. They fail to address the strengths in each other’s work. 

Medium EQ Conversation That Fails To Reach Compromise 

In this conversation, Jayden becomes confrontational and Riley fails to convey empathy and be specific enough to reach a compromise. 

Riley: Hi Jayden, I’ve reviewed your part of the report. Can we discuss it a bit? 

Jayden: Sure, Riley. What are your thoughts? 

Riley: I appreciate your clear and concise summary. It’s well-structured and understandable. But I think the introduction could use a bit more context. Providing more background could help the reader understand the importance of our research. What do you think? 

Jayden: I don’t agree, Riley. I intentionally kept it brief. I don’t see why we need to add more. 

Riley: I understand where you’re coming from, but I feel more context could make the introduction more compelling and set the stage for the report. 

Jayden: Well, I think it’s fine as it is. I wanted the introduction to be brief. 

Riley: Of course, brevity is important, but giving some more information might make it more engaging for the reader. 

Jayden: I’m not convinced, Riley. I think the introduction serves its purpose as it is. 

Jayden immediately becomes defensive in this scenario and isn’t open to Riley’s feedback. Despite Riley’s attempts to explain her viewpoint, Jayden sticks to his original perspective and dismisses her suggestion — a stalemate occurs. 

A High EQ Conversation That Reaches a Compromise 

Riley uses empathy, self-regulation, and specificity to navigate this difficult conversation and reaches a compromise. 

Riley: I understand your viewpoint, Jayden, and you’re right that brevity is important. It’s not about making the introduction longer but making it more engaging. Would you consider adding an interesting statistic or a compelling question that immediately grabs the reader’s attention? We wouldn’t add much length, but it could increase the reader’s interest. What do you think? 

Jayden: Well, I suppose adding a statistic or question might draw in the reader. 

Riley: Yes, it’s about making those initial sentences really count. We can try it and then see how it reads. If it doesn’t work, we can always revise it again. Is that okay with you? 

Jayden: I can agree to that, Riley. Let’s give it a shot. 

Riley shows empathy and acknowledges Jayden’s point of view. She then reiterates her suggestion, providing a specific example that aligns with Jayden’s preference for brevity. She suggests a trial approach that allows room for further adjustment, making the change less daunting for Jayden. 

Notice how she asked, “Is that okay with you?” Her respectful and understanding approach AND asking for agreement helped defuse the tension and steer the conversation toward a productive outcome. 

Of course, these techniques may not always result in a compromise, and that’s okay. Managing differences of opinion constructively and finding common ground can take several discussions or may even need to involve a third party (like a supervisor or another colleague) to reach a resolution. 

Reaching Compromise Between Friends 

In another example, two friends who are vacationing together have different activity preferences. 

Hayden: Lindsey, I’ve been thinking. I want to go hiking tomorrow. 

Lindsey: Hiking again, Hayden? We’ve already done that twice this week. I thought we could visit the local museum instead. 

Hayden: No, I don’t want to go to a museum. That sounds boring. I thought this was supposed to be an active vacation. 

Lindsey: And I thought this vacation was about experiencing new things, not just repeating the same activity. 

This exchange quickly becomes confrontational as both friends dismiss the other’s suggestions without considering each other’s viewpoints. 

Let’s look at how they might employ empathy, self-regulation, and a specific suggestion to resolve their differences: 

Hayden: Lindsey, I’ve been thinking. I would really enjoy going hiking again tomorrow. I feel like it’s a great way to explore the area and get some exercise. 

Lindsey: I understand, Hayden. The hikes we’ve had were really enjoyable. But we’ve already done that a couple of times, and I was hoping we could switch things up a bit. The local museum looks interesting and could give us a break from the physical activities. 

Hayden: I see your point, Lindsey. I guess I just really enjoy the outdoors and don’t think much about indoor activities. But you’re right that we came here to experience different things. 

Lindsey: I’m not suggesting we stop hiking altogether. Maybe we can go to the museum in the morning and have a light hike in the afternoon? That way, we get to do both. 

Hayden: That’s a fair suggestion. Let’s try that tomorrow and see how it goes. If it feels too cramped, we can adjust the plan for the rest of our vacation. 

Hayden and Lindsey successfully navigate their differing preferences. They acknowledge each other’s perspective and propose a compromise that allows both to enjoy their preferred activities, making their vacation enjoyable. 

Compromise Improves Emotional Intelligence 

The art of compromise can notch up your emotional intelligence. Engaging in compromise enhances your EQ through self-regulation, empathy, and specificity. 

Self-regulation involves managing your emotions, especially in stressful situations. Compromise often requires staying calm and collected, even when discussions become heated. 

Empathy is crucial for effective compromise. Understanding and acknowledging others’ feelings helps create an environment conducive to finding a middle ground. 

Specificity is crucial in providing clear, constructive suggestions. Ambiguity can lead to misunderstandings and confusion, whereas clear and specific suggestions can steer the conversation toward solutions. 

Practicing and improving your EQ skills are valuable in all areas of life.